Team friendzone by Rats’ili Skye

The latest pop psychology craze, and possibly the silliest, the friend-zone (insert onomatopoeic clang of doom here) has gotten a little out of hand. What motivates people’s fear of the friend-zone? Is it the thought that we may not be able to have sex with someone we are attracted to or the idea that it will be another unrequited love? The ‘friend-zone’ is a derivative of that ridiculous adage that people cannot have friends of the opposite sex. This impresses on most people the idea that unless the relationship is for sexual or romantic reasons, no meaningful relationship can be had between men and women.

Since the free love movements of the 70s (well, the free love movement came to Africa in the 2000s), people seemingly cannot control the irrationalities that ascend from their loins. Curse those damned hippies for not giving us a terms of use for this sex thing. I have vehemently denounced the concept of the friend-zone as something created by socially inept individuals who have never been able to cultivate lasting, endearing and meaningful relationships with people of the opposite sex. I am beginning to believe that most ‘adults’ of the 2000s are incapable of forming such relationships.

I have silently watched a generation of people turn into fumbling, mumbling idiots who are unable to express what it is they truly feel and this after 25 seasons of Oprah. If you want to f – I mean, make love to your friend, why don’t you just tell them? People will keep mum about their burning passions, then cry about being friend-zoned when their friend asks them for a simple favour. If you start developing feelings for your friend or had feelings for them to begin with, why not just say so? People will remain silent about their romantic feelings then whine about being friend-zoned. These two types of people should be held in an island prison for maintaining a friendship under false pretences. I digress and this is quickly turning into an advice column.

21st century logic suggests that you cannot be friends with someone of the same sex because one day they will become jealous of you and use your dirty secrets to harm you. It also suggests that you cannot be friends with someone of the opposite sex because they will want to have sex with you and possibly go half on a baby when you don’t really want to. I feel that even though we have come as far as the Samsung S4, mentally we still function like a Siemens E55.

I cherish close human relationships. It is fairly difficult making and keeping true friends as you get older. Why shrink the friend pool further to exclude people whose sexual organs are dissimilar to yours? I suppose we have grown to mistrust other people’s intentions and championing anything that resembles a ‘real’ human relationship would be seen as naïve. All in all, we love to blame sex for our social ineptitude, and any baby would be offended to be compared to our current generation of adults.